Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
