From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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