im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize