last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
