we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
