phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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