Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
