He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
