I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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