I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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