Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Randomize
