I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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