so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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