just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
