I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
