i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Still dying that you shit outside
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
