Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
