I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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