i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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