Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
