you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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