i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I still have a little drunk in my system
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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