dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
