No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
