My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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