I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize