she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
