got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
