if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
