I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
