just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
