No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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