White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
