Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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