I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
