Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
