my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
