hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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