well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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