it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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