are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize