Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
