You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
