Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize