new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
