i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
