you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
