TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
