I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
