The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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