whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
