I met the friendliest cop last night
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
