I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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