I'm going to jail i love you
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
