then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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