Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
