she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize