Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
