They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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